A few months ago, I got pretty sick (like requiring a doctor sick).  Lacking proper insurance (like any good blogger should), I got stuck with the x-ray bills and the doctor fee.   As I sat there eating ramen with chopped up hot dogs and thinking about how to earn some extra dough (blogger wet t-shirt contest anybody?), it dawned on me that my girlfriend’s birthday was only a week away – and 4 days before payday. I needed to come up with a creative and thoughtful gift idea, and fast.  So I pulled out my pirated copy of Half Baked and skipped straight to the scene where Dave Chappelle takes Mary Jane on the date.  I had issues with taking money from homeless people, but I did appreciate his thriftiness, which gave me a few unique gift ideas:

Cheap Gift Idea #9: The Hand-Me-Down

This gift idea is very similar to the ReGift, except in this case, you just grab something off your shelf and wrap it up make it look new.  For most items (shoes, your old cell phone, the eggs that expired last week), it’s pretty obvious if you’re giving someone a hand-me-down.  However, there are a few cases in which you can convince someone that they’re receiving a brand new gift which you personally selected after hours of deliberation in Walmart.  Some ideas:

1. Unread Books. They might require a bit of dusting off, but as long as the cover isn’t faded or the spine wrinkled, you’re good to go.  Textbooks don’t count, college students.  Neither does The Scarlet Letter, high schoolers.
2. Unused Fancy Pens. I got a bunch of these from my great aunt when I was a kid, but I was never sure what to do with them.  They’re just pens, right?  Wrong.  Once you get into the business world, having an impressive pen can get you a long way – from starting a conversation with your boss to convincing people at work that you’re not lying when you tell them that you write books on calligraphy.  Actually, that’s a lie.  But it will be a nice way of explaining the thoughtful gift to the person you’re giving it to.
3. That Box of Chocolate That Your Old Girlfriend Gave You But You Were Too Sad to Eat When She Dumped You. Is that just me?
4. Leftover Arcade Tokens. “It’s hip it’s cool it’s Noah’s arcade.”   This would totally work for a younger brother who doesn’t understand the value of money yet.  I’m not sure what age they discover the value of money, but whenever it is, it is truly a black day for gift ideas.

More Questionable and Cheap Gift Ideas

Cheap Gift Idea #10: The Bouquet

This thoughtful gift will warm your wife or girlfriend’s heart and might pay dividends for you later.  Just make sure you step up your game and pick some serious flowers.  I’m no gardener, but I do know that 4 limp daisies won’t win her affection.  Think of cunning ways to find bigger game like tulips or roses, such as poaching from that cranky old lady’s garden down the street.  You could also try to lift a few flowers from a public garden (Seriously, who cares if you take flowers from a median?  Why do cities even plant flowers in medians?  Aren’t there better things to spend money on, like free flowers for every deadbeat boyfriend to give his girlfriend?)  In any case, the worst that could happen in either situation would be a cranky old lady berating you.   The thought of being verbally abused by a cranky old lady is pretty terrifying, actually, but I guarantee you’re faster than her.

Cheap Gift Idea #11: Shells

You can create some unique gifts out of shells.  For instance, you could make a necklace or bracelet of shells.  Or, you could put a bunch of shells in a jar with some flowers and call it art (for hippies only).  You could also make a Calder-like thing that hangs from the ceiling out of shells.  Whatever, be creative.  The best part about shells is, of course, they’re free!  If you live close to the ocean, ramble over to the beach on a Sunday with your sweetheart and go hunting for shells.

Cheap Gift Idea #12: The Song

For those of you overflowing with creativity, you could always write a song dedicated to a person.  Just describe them: Jenny, you have big brown eyes And weird yellow hair ties You knock my socks off With your artsy artist’s loft Please forgive me that I am a broke fool Maybe this song will make you think I’m not such a tool. I didn’t mean to run over your cat Even though he was a little brat Ahhhh Jenny. (Repeat until she tells you to stop) In case you're wondering, we're not together anymore.

The stores are open, the Christmas sales are on, and you need Christmas gifts for your wife, husband, kids, dog or imaginary friends.  It would be easy to get them all the best gifts money can buy if it weren’t for one teeny little problem: you don’t have any money.  None.  You’re like Kanye West, “broker than Ethiopians just tryin to eat at last.” But before you start planning your rap career (“I COULD WRITE THAT **** AND GET DRUNK AT AWARDS SHOWS JUST GIMME THE CHANCE!”), you might consider one of the creative gift ideas I’ve presented for you below.  So whether you’re a broke hipster, student, clerk, teacher, or anyone else with less than a nickel in their pocket, I think you’ll find a great gift idea here to give your loved ones.

Cheap Christmas Gift Ideas #1: The Mixtape

Technically, you need a CD and a computer*, which cost money.  But I trust you can find a way to “borrow” a disc from a “friend” and use then use their computer for a few minutes.  The real trouble is what to put on the darn thing.  People are awfully particular about their musical tastes these days, but there are some tracks that are guaranteed to warm even the coldest soul’s black heart.  While I would recommend a few standards (Jingle Bell Rock, Run Rudolph Run, Skinny Puppy), try to mix in some of the songs that defined the year that was.  If you’re completely at a loss, head over to www.artofthemix.org, to get some ideas or just rip off a mixtape. *Unless, that is, you choose to make a tape cassette mix, which is a creative gift idea that's fatally flawed.  Tapes only appeal to a very small population of aging and nostalgic hipsters.  In order to make one of these bad boys, you would probably have to borrow a tape player from said aging hipster, which means you would have to hang out with said aging hipster and maybe listen to Brian Eno, which makes this option out of the question.

Cheap Christmas Gift Ideas #2: The Art Project.

WARNING: Once you turn 12, you can’t just scrawl a few stick figures on a page and say “This is me and this is you and you are bigger because you’re Mommy and I just pooped.”  If you’re a kid, though, your parents absolutely love everything you draw.  “He’s the next Pixar animator” they’ll coo at your misshapen elephants and hapless transformers.  So never fear!  Break out the colored pencils and get to scribbling!   By the way, if you don’t have any art supplies, just borrow them from your teacher.  Not only does this save money, but it will also probably raise your grades by at least one grade level.  See, teachers love to feel like they “have an impact on your life.”  Trust me on this one — I’ve fallen for this stunt at least once before. If you’re a little older (a teenager, say) you can still get away with an art project gift, but you’ve just got to put more effort into it (In case you were wondering, “effort” doesn’t mean stealing a painting from your friend’s house, Spicoli).  Lucky for you, many art projects don’t really require a ton of artistic skill.  Check out this post for more info…

Cheap Christmas Gift Ideas #3: Bake!

A batch of Christmas cookies makes a great gift idea.  NOTE: If you have to use the kitchen and baking supplies of the person you’re giving the cookies to, then you should probably reconsider (unless they participate, in which case you’re sisters, right?).  Nothing says I love you like a giant mess and an oven fire.

Cheap Christmas Gift Ideas #4: The I.O.U.

Using your family members like credit cards is generally not advisable, but exceptions can be made. You’re walking a thin line between looking broke and looking heartless.  Also, kids generally don’t understand IOU’s (Can you imagine?  “This is my gift!  A piece of paper!  Waaaa!”).  Still, here are some possible IOU’s which could turn out to be just the cool gift idea you're looking for:

1. • A back massage
   • A foot massage
   • Hard labor – painting the house or planting a garden (No, taking out the trash doesn’t count)
   • A trip to the zoo/beach/mountains (anywhere that doesn’t require tickets!).  This one’s a bit sad, but your time is money (and you have none)!
   • Dinner at a restaurant that you have coupons for
   • Sexual favors

Cheap Christmas Gift Ideas #5: The ReGift

Basically, when you regift something, you’re giving away a gift someone gave you that you didn’t like.  Regifting is a dangerous move, as evidenced in Old School when Will Ferrell gives Luke Wilson the bread maker that Wilson got for him (then Ferrell tries to give it to a kid later in the movie).  It’s hilarious, but it’s a movie.  Of course, regifting is perfectly acceptable as long as nobody finds out, so just make sure it doesn’t slip after one too many eggnogs.

Cheap Christmas Gift Ideas #6: Stray cats or dogs

Just make sure the person actually wants an animal.  Can you imagine how awkward it would be if they didn’t?  I think this was an episode of Who’s the Boss.  Also, it goes without saying that the animal should not have rabies.

Cheap Christmas Gift Ideas #7: Mistletoe

If both you and your spouse have had down years, then mistletoe is the most romantic gift in the world.   Like the Beatles said, All you Need is Love, right?  Of course, your wife might not see it that way… More Free Gift Ideas here…