Creative Christmas Gifts & Gift Ideas

Before you give someone a funny gift, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: would this person be upset if I drew obscene things on their face while they were drunk?  If the answer is no, fire away.  If the answer is yes, put the blow-up doll back on the shelf. What we’re trying to say is: funny gifts are basically pranks.  Likewise, people react to them as they would react to pranks: Either they laugh for days or you lose a testicle. The key to a funny gift idea is making light of someone’s unfortunate circumstances without hurting their feelings…that badly.  If you’re thinking about giving someone an ironic gift, make sure that they’re the sort of person who can take a joke and knows that love and humor are more important than material objects.

TV Dinners: A Consolation Prize for a Failed Top Chef

Some people just need to realize that their attempts at culinary greatness are woefully misguided.  If everyone hates the vegetarian goulash that your artsy roommate attempts to create, then drop her this not-so-subtle hint.  Be very careful about giving TV dinners to your mother, as mothers take pride in their ability to cook, even if they’re terrible. TV Dinners are also the perfect gift idea for anyone who has to cook after they come home from work.  Have you ever seen those people?  Bumping their heads on the cabinet doors, spilling oil on themselves while they try to cook, cursing at the cat, the pot, the weed, and the cat again?  Give those people some peace for Pete’s sake!

Band-Aids: An Ironic Gift Idea for your Brother Who Just Broke His Leg Snowboarding

In the same vein, band-aids are the wise-guy’s go-to gift for that relative who can’t help breaking a different bone every month.  This is perhaps the best gift idea ever for extreme sports athletes, because it’s also ironic – they need more than a few band aids to repair their battered limbs.  Finally, this gift works great for enemies or sports rivals.  I imagine that I would definitely send my sports rivals band aids and Prozac if they broke their legs – if I had any sports rivals (which would requiring playing any sports at all, which does not currently apply).  ADDED BONUS: If they complain about the gift being in poor taste, just ask them if a band-aid will make their boo-boo attitude feel better.

Blow-up Dolls: A Funny Gift Idea for a Man on the Rebound

Your aunt Doris the librarian might not find the blow-up doll funny.  In fact, she may never speak to you again.  By the same token, your buddy Mitch won’t find it funny either, but for different reasons (he’ll find it attractive).  However, your buddy Gabe will take it out with him to the bar and buy it drinks like a true gentlemen ought to.  This is also a perfect gift idea for a guy who’s hit a dry spell in his romantic life (as long as you remind him that this is just a rebound and that you will forcibly remove it from him after two weeks).

Model Car: A Reminder of What Might Have Been If You Hadn’t Become a Teacher

Again, you’ve gotta consider your audience.  If you’re giving a model car to your 16-year-old daughter after you promised her you would buy her a car, this gift is in extremely poor taste.  In fact, it will likely be more expensive to your in the long run, given all of the therapy sessions that she’ll have for years afterwards.  However, if your husband has been yapping to you about buying a convertible since you married him 17 years ago, it’s a very suitable gift.

A Can of Febreeze or A Christmas Gift Basket of Cleaning Supplies

You could get them a bunch of hoity-toity candles, but getting them a can of Febreeze sends a far more direct message: YOUR HOUSE SMELLS LIKE MOLDY SOCKS!  CLEAN IT, FOOL!  In fact, you could even write that on a hoity-toity card.  Also, if you’re in a particularly generous mood, you could even include a can of Raid and some toilet cleaning solution.  Then, you could wrap them all together in a festive gift basket.

A Life Jacket to Make them Stop Drowning in the Their Sorrows

We all know that guy who loses his girlfriend and absolutely falls off the face of the Earth.  Hew tops eating, stops hanging out, and stops finding stupid jokes funny.  When this happens, you’ve got to jolt him out of his pusillanimous, pathetic behavior.  Aside from dragging him out of the house for drinks, you could get him a symbolic gift like a life jacket.  If this doesn’t do the trick, get him a box of tampons, a King-Size Hershey’s bar, and a copy of Sleepless in Seattle.  He’ll thank you for it later (because he’ll have something to give the blow-up doll you give him).

Let's face it: Foodies are annoying.  They'll rave to you about Patagonian lettuce and organic muckberries, rant to you about corn production, and reproach you for buying hot dogs.  But while their zeal for fresh kava from Fiji might make you want to stab your stomach with a spoon, try to resist the urge to do so (I'm looking in your direction, Rachael Ray producers).   Instead, shut up, wait 45 minutes, and fill your belly with the best meal you've had in months. This Christmas, if you've got a foodie in your family or among your friends, you can do nothing better than encourage their obsession, for their sake and for yours.  Great gifts for foodies are everywhere, but the best gifts for foodies will actively encourage them to spend more time honing their craft in the kitchen (and therefore, feeding you!).  With that in mind, here are some ideas for foodie presents that will make your mouth water:

1. Mini Deep Fryer: A Foodie's Wet Dream

While some organic fundamentalists (I think I've just coined a new catchword) and health nuts would scoff at the idea of owning their own deep fryer, the true gourmand understand the value of several inches of boiling oil.  Deep frying makes everything taste better.  From deep-fried Mars bars to fried chicken to deep-fried zucchinis, you really can't go wrong.  SIDE NOTE: If you type in "deep fried" in Google and then make a space, the first thing that Google predicts is "deep fried butter."  No joke.  Not messing with you.  See for yourself.  People eat deep fried butter!  I love America!

2. Obscure Cookbooks: A Great Gift Idea for a Chef

Foodies are very similar to hipsters in a lot of ways.  For one thing, they both like talking about cooking (hipsters talk, but rarely act).  For another, they both love being fans of obscure cuisines and chefs.   This is because both of them love sounding like independent thinkers who lead zany and original lifestyles. Aside from appealing to the curious philosophy of a foodie, this gift has the concrete benefit of making your foodie feel obligated to use the cookbook at least once (and hopefully in your presence).  Keep this in mind when you're browsing for titles at your local independent bookstore.  You really don't want to select "Great soups with roots and tubers."   Think more along the lines of "Kobe Beef: It's Better Than Sex."   NOTE: These titles do not exist, but feel free to email me if you want to write the Kobe Beef book.

3. Framed Photos or Paintings of Ingredients and Dishes: Inspirational Gift Ideas for Foodies

Foodies feed on artistry.  While most of us troph eaters just want our food in an easy to eat package (or, as Patton Oswalt calls it, "a failure pile in a sadness bowl"), foodies understand the value of presentation.  They love to arrange their dishes as if they were brilliant pieces of sculpture (To my mind, they're better than sculpture because you can't eat sculpture).  Of course, this presentation means nothing to us, but it might just be the inspiration for a chef to cook something delectable for you. Furthermore, photos of  ingredients make awesome gift ideas because they can give a chef inspiration to cook.  Again, no pictures of roots and tubers.  Looking in your direction, organic fundamentalists.

4. Stainless Steel Tools – Among the Best Gift Ideas for Foodies

Kitchen stores and big box stores from Shanghai to London sell an ungodly variety of stainless steel tools to use in the kitchen.  They've come up with some pretty specialized ones these days.  There are tea bag holders, mango splitters, jar lifters, and banana hangers.  There are milk carton holders, pineapple slicers and even electric salt shakers. While these useless utensils are simply ploys at making you waste money, there are a few unusual kitchen tools that might pay dividends for you later.  Firstly, every foodie should own a garlic press.  It's scientifically proven that garlic presses make people use more garlic.  It's also proven by me that garlic is the best ingredient ever.  Case closed.  Secondly, an ice cream scooper makes a great gift for a foodie because it encourages them to buy more ice cream.  Also, you can always drop a not-so-subtle hint that you want ice cream by asking them how much they are using it.  Finally, the pizza slicer is an amazing tool that makes you feel like you own your own pizza store.  Get one for a foodie and encourage them to make pizza at home (and invite you, of course). One last word and then I'm out.  If you're feeling the urge to buy the entire Top Chef DVD set, by all means resist it!  This will only encourage the proverbial foodie to vegetate on the couch while the kitchen remains empty.  For crying out loud, get them a new cutting board before you get them a TV show.

Being a boss is hard.  On the one hand, you've got to keep your co-workers in line, striking fear into their hearts when they think about leaving work at 3 pm to go to happy hour.  On the other hand, you've got to make your colleagues feel appreciated by doing all of those little things that boost their egos like complimenting them and giving them promotions.   You're even supposed to deflect praise meant for you onto them (incompetent underlings!).  Then you've got to get to know them all as individuals — yes, even Larry from Sales who talks endlessly about bowhunting and makes the same dumb knock-knock jokes every day.   As if that wasn't tiring enough, you've also got to pay people Christmas bonuses even when they regularly arrive to the office 45 minutes late looking scruffy and hung-over.  But most excruciatingly of all, you've got to come up with cheap Christmas gift ideas for co-workers.  With this post, we hope to make that last task a little easier.  With a little luck, your thoughtful gifts will make them feel a little guilty when they call you names behind your back.

Gift Ideas for Co-Workers #1: Plants

When it comes to office gifts, plants are right at the top of the list.  They're cheap (you can find many for under $5), they remind people that life exists outside the office (depending on what type of boss you are, this could be a bad thing), and they're as unpolitical as can be.  Plants are also especially good gifts for colleagues whose cubicles are more barren than the state of Nevada.  You might upset their delicate balance by throwing a plant into that wilderness of boringness, but it also might stand as a symbol of your appreciation.  Finally, you get to see who lets their plant die and who spends more time caring for it than they do working.

Christmas Gift Ideas for Colleague #2: Cool Notepads

If you've got any aspiring writers in your midst, you might want to consider getting them a cool notebook or set of small notebooks.  They'll probably fill them up with stories of your incompetence and wretchedness, but chances are they're not good enough to parlay a movie or book deal.

Cheap Christmas Gift Ideas at the Office #3:  Charming Keychains

Here's an office gift idea that's cheap, unique, and easy.  More importantly, it will constantly remind your co-workers of your excellence.  Find a dozen different little keychains (the bottle-shaped bottle opener, the mini flashlight, the state of Texas, a rabbit's foot, etc.) and then have your colleagues choose them from a grab-bag at a staff meeting.  Every time they lock their door, they'll think about the little gift you gave them (and maybe feel a little guilty for leaving work at 3 pm to go to happy hour).

Office Gift Ideas #4: Chocolate Oranges or European Chocolate

On principle alone, most people would never spend $4 on a luxury European candy bar or $6 on a chocolate orange.   When you could buy 7 Hershey's bars or bags of peanut M&M's for what you pay for one of those hoity-toity sweets, the exotic appeal of the European label vanishes completely.  However, most people would relish the chance to taste one of these luxuries.  Put a red bow around it and it will look like a million bucks.

Gift Ideas for your Co-Workers #5: Simple Art Supplies

By definition, offices repress people.  Deep inside, most of the droopy-eyed schmoes sitting around you putting together marketing plans and spreadsheets probably have some artistic talent (or at least some desire to break the routine and express their pent-up rage somehow).  A simple pack of watercolors or colored pencils might be just the thing.

Great Gift Ideas for Co-Workers #6: Cute Paperweights

Because using a pair of scissors just won't cut it, you might try to find a bunch of cool paperweights and let staff draw straws to decide who gets first pick.

Christmas Gift Ideas for Colleagues #7: Flasks

Maybe it's not the best idea on the planet, but booze keeps people going when their mind tells them that it's time to stop.  If you work late nights, having a little booze might pull you through the difficult stretches.  NOTE: It might not be a bad idea to put vodka in the flask and include some Redbulls.

Cheap Christmas Gift Ideas for Co-Workers #8: A New Alarm Clock

It's a pretty funny gift idea, but if you decide to get someone a new alarm clock, you've got to be on good terms with them.  It's not as rude as getting someone special resume paper, but it's close.

Unique Christmas Gift Ideas for Colleagues #9: Whoopie Cushions and Fake Mustaches

No matter the occasion or the reason, whoopie cushions and fake mustaches are always incredible gift ideas.  It's important to add a little humor around the office every once in awhile – just make sure that you're not the one who uses these things.  They're supposed to be for your colleagues to poke fun at you.

“There is no secret ingredient!”

-Po, Kung Fu Panda.

If there’s one rule of thumb to finding the best Christmas gifts for women, it’s that there is no rule of thumb.  You might think you’ve come up with the best gift ideas on the planet, but she might hate every one of them (and hold a grudge against you for 14 years over it your “amazing insensitivity”).  As the cliché goes, ‘you’ve got to be sensitive to her needs.’  In the case, though, it’s more important to be aware of her pet peeves.  When these two factors collide and you foolishly choose needs over pet peeves (she NEEDS a new jacket, but she HATES it when you try to buy her clothes), you’re liable to lose an arm. To come up with the best Christmas gift ideas for women, you’ve got to know what feelings they associate with certain objects.  For instance, you might think that a silver bracelet will make a great present, but she might hate it because her Aunt Mable used to wear silver bracelets and she hates her Aunt Mable because she’s mean and how could you do such an insensitive thing like that?  See?  In general, buying gifts for a woman can be a difficult task if you’re not a psychic, but you should try to make your best guess.  Here are ours:

The Best Christmas Gift Ideas for Women #1: A Trip to the Spa

Not only does this give you an excuse to not give her foot massages, but it will likely make her appreciate you for your thoughtfulness.  Unless, that is, she takes it as a sign that you think she can’t handle the stress of her life (see? There are traps everywhere!).  Most spas aren’t cheap, but you could consider giving this as a group gift, whereby everyone chips in a little bit to pay for it.  Also, you’ll have to deal with the fact that she’s going to be gushing about Fabio, the Argentine masseuse, for the next 6 years.

The Best Christmas Gift Ideas for Women #2: Jewelry

It’s widely known that very few women can resist the allure of jewelry.  Something in gleam of a diamond or the shine of a ruby turns them into needy children (WANT THE SHINY! WANT THE SHINY!).  To be fair, this is also true of many men, including professional athletes.  Do you remember when Javon Walker got robbed of $100,000 worth of jewelry in Las Vegas?  And have you seen JaMarcus Russell’s bling?  OK that’s another story (file it under Best Christmas Gift Ideas for Professional Athletes).  Quick note: If your budget is tight, you could always try to find a cool necklace from a street vendor at your local farmer’s market.

The Best Christmas Gift Ideas for Women #3: Fluffy Things and Pillows

Nothing says relaxation and inner peace like throw pillows and soft blankets.  She might think it’s also a gift for you (which it is, but you do not tell her this!), but she’ll probably love it.  A few years ago, the Snuggie, a blanket/jacket/cocoon became one of the the best Christmas gift ideas for women in recent memory.

The Best Christmas Gift Ideas for Women #4: Candles and Scents

Candles and scents are universally accepted as things that women love but men simply do not understand. Unless they give her allergies, they can make great Christmas gift ideas.  To be safe, get a wide assortment of scents, shapes and sizes of candles.  Also, if you can find any artsy soap bars shaped like animals or shells, don’t pass them up.

The Best Christmas Gift Ideas for Women #5: Puppies or Pictures of Puppies or Videos of Puppies or Anything else with Puppies

Enough said.

The Best Christmas Gift Ideas for Women #6: Shaving your Mustache

If there’s one type of facial hair that women disdain more than any other, it’s the mustache.  Hailed by men as a sign of vigilantism and individuality, mustaches are immediate turn-offs for women.  It is as if mustaches secretly seem to say “I cannot provide for you or care for your young.  By the way, do you have any Jack Daniels lyin around?”  Temporarily removing your stash during the holidays might be emotionally stressful (You will find yourself asking, ‘am I really the carefree vigilante that I believe I am?’), but it will likely pay dividends in other ways.  While this one is more likely to backfire on you than any of the others, it could also be the best present she’ll ever receive.

Men are simple animals, with desires not so different from that of an average Labrador.  Yes, we shower regularly and brush our teeth, but we probably wouldn’t do those things if it weren’t for women.  Yes, we can play video games and football, but I’d wager most dogs could do those things if you trained them well enough.  And sure, we can tie our shoes and dogs can’t, but that’s only because we have thumbs and mothers who teach us to do such things.  In the simplest terms, men like good food, glorious escapades, defending our territory, and courting females – exactly the same pleasures as that of any canine on your block.  Women who recognize these simple facts will have a much easier time coming up with creative Christmas gift ideas for their husbands, brothers, sons or grandpas.

Great Christmas Gift Ideas: Things You Can Eat, Drink or Smoke

Whiskey. First of all, it’s always useful to have a bottle of Scotch on hand for when your in-laws visit.  Secondly, very few men will ever be unhappy to receive a bottle on fine whiskey, even they’re not big drinkers (By the way, if he is a big drinker, then this is a terrible gift idea).  Besides being delicious and intoxicating, whiskey bottles are like trophies for me.  If you don’t believe me, just check out any college dorm room within a 50 mile radius of your current location – I guarantee you there’s at least one empty bottle of Jack Daniel’s resting on a top shelf, gathering admiration like the Stanley Cup.  Yes, it’s juvenile, but as men grow older they dream of having their own bar – not necessarily because they love alcohol but because those bottles are like gold medals.

Cigars. I’m not convinced that men actually like cigars, but they certainly make you feel like an important person.

Turducken. About a decade ago, legendary American football announcer John Madden began to popularize the turducken while commentating on football games.  Who knows who told Madden about this incredible invention?  Perhaps he imagined it one day while he was daydreaming on the sidelines.  Maybe he happened upon it in his bus (Madden never traveled by plane due to a lifelong fear of flying).  Whoever unleashed it on the world deserves tremendous credit.  Stuffing inside a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey?  Genius.  It’s on the same level as the Theory of Relativity, if you ask me.  If you get one, you will be showered with truly endless praise for coming up with such a creative Christmas gift idea.  If you can handle that, then boldly go for it!

Wine – Red wine, that is.  While it’s not the best gift idea of all time, it appeals to his need for hoarding valuable objects (much like a canine hoards your child’s dolls in holes in the backyard).  Every man needs his own personal private wine cellar, even if it’s only 3 bottles on a shelf above the washing machine.

Great Christmas Gift Ideas: Glorious Escapades

Car accessories – What do getaway cars, chase cars, race cars, and bumper cars all have in common?  Well besides being cars, they all contribute to the myth of the car as the ultimate escapade machine.  This is why we men love our cars.  Honestly, they’re the coolest toys since Transformers. Naturally, anything that makes them even cooler is totally awesome.  From superfluous sun shields to audacious air horns and cute hula girls, you really can’t go wrong.  EBay usually has a ton of good deals on car accessories, so mosey over and transform your depressingly beat-up ‘87 Corolla into a hilariously beat-up ’87 Corolla (Nothing against the ’87 Corolla, by the way – it’s one of the more reliable cars on the planet AND chicks dig the upholstery).  TIP: You could always accompany this gift with a DVD of Pimp My Ride.  Just make sure he doesn’t hate the show.

Swiss Army or Leatherman Knives – Anything that makes a man feel more equipped makes a great gift idea.  In either one of these two gift ideas, you’ve got a DOZEN pieces of equipment.  While the knife will probably spend most of the time in the drawer next to his bed, it will still make him FEEL like he’s incredibly resourceful.  He’ll FEEL like he’s ready to scout enemy troop movements while he’s actually watching Monday Night Football.  It’s win-win.  TIP: If you can find and afford the entire DVD box set of Macgyver, definitely include it with this gift.  Alternatively, you could take him to see the new Macgruber movie, which will supposedly hit theaters in early 2010. To be continued…